SLMC
by Jade Rowwood
Summary: Oh the insanity! Sorry to say, this makes no sense. Warning, not for religious fanatics or those who can't take a joke. Consult with your doctor if you are pregnant or nursing, side effects may occur such as vommiting and hairloss. Results may vary.
1. Default Chapter

I'm Jade Rowwood. This is an old fic that my cousin and me dreamed up. I decided to post it to help quench your thirst in waiting for Advent Children. Advent Children! Advent Children yay!! And yes, it's not supposed to make sense. I own none of the characters, blah blah, settings, blah, but the Scary Little Man is my creation. Enjoy!  
  
Cast o Characters  
  
Scary Little Man  
  
Sephiroth  
  
Jenova  
  
Cloud  
  
Aeris  
  
Cid   
  
Vincent  
  
Yuffie  
  
Scene 1: The Burning of Nibelheim  
  
Watching the chaos and destruction he caused, Sephiroth smiled cruelly to himself.  
  
Scary Little Man: He, he, he, I'm gonna kick yo' momma!  
  
Sephiroth paid no attention to the barely one foot high tiny man who just jumped out of the bushes next to him.  
  
Scary Little Man: He, he, he, I'm gonna kick yo' momma!  
  
The little man pulled a knife that was twenty times his own length from somewhere behind his back, but I won't say from where though!  
  
Scary Little Man: He, he, he, I'm gonna kick yo' momma!  
  
Suddenly, materializing from a globe of darkness, Jenova appeared.  
  
Jenova: Now, now children play nice!  
  
She said wagging a tentacle at them. The tiny man stared at her with a maniacal grin on his face.  
  
Scary Little Man: He, he, he, I'm gonna kill yo' momma!  
  
He cried running up to Jenova, kicking what would have been her shins. He ran away from this scene of utter insanity screaming about purple monkeys in his pants.  
  
Sephiroth: What was that about?  
  
He asked looking at the stunned Jenova, mouth agape, she changed into a pile of ashes.  
  
Sephiroth: Momma! NO! He killed my mommy!  
  
He ran away screaming like a little girl.  
  
Scene 2: Cloud and Companies' camp in Sleeping Forest.  
  
Aeris, Yuffie, Cloud, Cid, and Vincent sitting around the camp fire telling stories and drinking Zimas.  
  
Aeris: I remember this one time, I wa  
  
Sephiroth: He killed my mommy!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris' alcohol fueled story was abruptly cut off by Sephiroth running straight into their camp fire and imploding.  
  
Cloud: Was that weird or what?  
  
He said swigging down the rest of his Zima.  
  
Cid: That was %$#ed up! Dumb #$rd, he got ashes in my drink!  
  
Vincent and Yuffie were to busy making out under a tree to notice. Aeris was making herself comfortable in Cid's lap. Cloud looked shocked.  
  
Scary Little Man: He, he he, I'm gonna kick yo' momma!  
  
The Scary Little Man bounded into the campsite. Pulling five purple monkeys from his pants, he handed them out. Running over to Cloud, he kicked him in the crotch and ran away laughing maniacally screaming that he ate Jenova.  
  
Scary Little Man: I ate wussy's momma! He, he, he, I gots gas, VROOOM!!  
  
Aeris: I think, um…  
  
Yuffie: That was weird!  
  
Vincent: He ruined my night!  
  
And so the Scary Little Man ran off into the moonlight. They say you can still hear his cries of I'm gonna kick yo' momma. Be warned, he could strike at any time. 


	2. Male Bonding What the Hell!

Yet another disturbed chapter and still no Advent Children. sigh What is this world coming to?!!? Anyways, you know the drill. Own nothing but something, wait that's not right! You get it!  
  
Scary Little Man Chronicles 2: Male Bonding, What the Hell?!  
  
SLMC cast o characters  
  
Scary Little Man  
Sephiroth  
Vincent  
Yuffie  
And special guest   
appearance by: Freddie Krugar  
  
Scene 1: Interior of Tavern in Wall Market, Midgar  
  
Sitting by himself at the bar, Vincent sips his Budweiser and grieves Lucrecia as usual.  
  
Vincent: My light fades with your memory. Soon my sins will take me again and I will sleep for time eternal. For my last hours I will think only of you my love, my heart, my soul.  
  
With his claw, he wipes a tear from his eye and drinks the remainder of his Bud. Suddenly, bursting through the door, Sephiroth comes running in. He runs over to Vincent and hides behind him like a frightened child.  
  
Sephiroth: HE KILLED MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE KILLED MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE KILLED MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth cries frantically as he grabs Vincent's arm.  
  
Vincent: Back off freak!  
  
Vincent holds his gun to Sephiroth's forehead.  
  
Sephiroth: HE KILLED MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth persists. Through the door steps a very familiar one foot tall tiny man dressed as a pimp (oversized hat and all) accompanied by two hoes clad only in socks.  
  
Sephiroth: HE KILLED MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth insists tearing off Vincent's claw.  
  
Vincent: KNOCK IT OFF DUMBASS!!!!  
  
Vincent cries grabbing back his claw. Reattaching it and swiftly cuffing Sephiroth with his gun.  
  
SLM: I come ta get some ass! VROOM! VROOOOOOOOOOM!  
  
The Scary Little Man grins broadly at the hoes who immediately run from him. Looking utterly disappointed, he struggles onto a bar stool and takes the beer from the man next to him.  
  
SLM: I gots no ass.  
  
The Scary Little Man sobs casting a forlorn glance at Vincent who still has his firearm glued to Sephiroth's temple. Sephiroth is still whimpering and cowering behind him.  
  
Krugar: NO! I DON'T LOVE YOU!  
  
Loud crashes sound from the back room while wild shouts catch every drunk's attention in the place. A male voice sounds frantic as if trying to escape.  
  
Yuffie: Why Freddie darling? I love you, I'll do anything for even a one night stand with you! Don't leave me! I love you!  
  
Vincent: That sounds like Yuffie!  
  
Krugar: I don't want you! Get away! Rape! Rape!  
  
Vincent: Who's she with?  
  
Loud crashes ring out like a life or death struggle taking place.  
  
Vincent: I'd better save her!  
  
He gets up and tries to pull his gun away from Sephiroth, but finds that it really is glued to his temple.  
  
Vincent: What the Hell?  
  
SLM: Your gun feel nice!  
  
Vincent: EEW! That's NASTY!!!!  
  
Vincent tries to banish the disturbing images that have now hijacked his already dark mind. The sounds of struggle are like an orchestra now. Male screams highlight the crashes.  
  
Krugar: HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY EXCEPT HER! SAVE ME!  
  
Yuffie: Your only making me more excited!  
  
Krugar: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: I'M COMING YUFFIE! DON'T WORRY!  
  
Vincent drags Sephiroth over to the door and savagely pushes it open. The scene inside is so disturbing that I won't go into details, but I will say this, yes Yuffie was in there, but she wasn't the one needing the rescuing, the man who she was, ahem…ah…huh…(EEEEEEWWWWW!!!) "holding hostage" did. Vincent's sins overcome him and he crumples to the floor in a deep slumber.  
  
Sephiroth: Quick! Freedom's this way!  
  
Krugar: Freedom!  
  
Freddie's escape is like that of a frantic moth that he runs straight into the wall. Sephiroth pulls him from the chaos and runs from the bar, followed by the Scary Little Man. (Vincent's gun is still glued to Sephiroth, and even in sleep he won't let go, so as you can guess, Sephy is dragging him along to.)

Scene 2: Who the Hell knows! Wait, let me check my map. (rustling noises) Here! Wait, no. Here. Bob the Stoner's House o Fun. What the Hell? This can't be right. Oops! Sorry. I was looking at one of my magazines. Ha ha! (rustling noises) Here! Shin-ra Mansion, Niblehem. Oookay. (more rustling noises as narrator leaves.)  
  
Sephiroth: Why'd you kill my mommy? (sob) What'd she do to you? (sniff) We only wanted to take over the world, that's all. (blows nose)  
  
SLM: Yo momma a hoe like me!!!  
  
Krugar: She wants to screw me! She wants to screw me!  
  
Vincent: Will you all shut up?! I'm trying to sleep! (rolls onto side and rips gun from Sephiroth's head) My precious! (strokes gun in sleep)  
  
Krugar: That's just wrong!!  
  
Sephiroth: EEW! NASTY!  
  
SLM: Is he a hoe like me? Must get socks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs out of the mansion into the night, leaving Freddie, Sephiroth, and Vincent)   
  
Sephiroth: I have an idea!  
  
Krugar: What?  
  
Sephiroth: Let's take over the world!  
  
Krugar: Yeah! That'll be fun! (Freddie and Sephiroth skip out of the mansion leaving Vincent asleep on the floor)  
  
Vincent: My precious. (sucks the gun barrel)  
  
(rustling noises as narrator returns) What I miss? What? (someone whispering in the background) It's over?! But I brought a keg! C'mon, LET'S PARTY!!!!! (whispers) Do I have to? Fine. And so Freddie and Sephy took over the world. Blah blah blah. Vincent sleeps until blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. LET'S PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (crowd cheers as dance music starts up) PARTY!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!  
  
Oh yeah?! GET A ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **


End file.
